My coping mechanisms after losing my baby girl…

My coping mechanisms after losing my baby girl…

Hi guys,

I have had a lot of ups and downs since losing Ivy-Rose, as you would expect. I have come to find some really good new coping mechanisms when it comes to dealing with my grief and I just wanted to share them incase they can help other grieving parents or just anyone grieving in general really, if it helps one other person then I will be happy with that.

I have had a few people still contacting me through this blog and social media asking how I have coped with my emotions and the chaos surrounding my pregnancy with Ivy-Rose and then how I have been able to cope and manage my grief with losing Ivy-Rose so here are a few of the things I do if I feel things are getting on top of me…

  1. Process my emotions – this is really difficult especially after losing Ivy-Rose, most of the time you have so many emotions building up you don’t know what one to deal with first. I like to take time to myself, no phone, no laptop, no tv, no one around me just me in a quiet room for at least half an hour to think, cry, scream into my pillow, whatever. This way I can take time to process what emotions I am feeling and process my thoughts, I never lock myself away for too long because then I feel too alone so there’s a fine line there but you will know yourself when you’ve had enough time to yourself.
  2. Speak to family, friends or someone you can confide in – Once I have processed my emotions and thoughts I immediately go to my sister or my aunt (she’s also lost a child so it’s sometimes easier to speak to her), I know I can go to them and they wont judge me in any way and just actually saying out loud how I’m feeling is a huge relief in itself. Also by doing this I know I don’t have to put that mask on and pretend that everything is ok the way I do around most people because they know what I am feeling and respect the fact that sometimes I’m not ok, sometimes I don’t want to talk but them just being by my side is a huge weight off of my shoulders and I don’t feel as lonely as I do most of the time.
  3. Seek professional advice – There are a lot of charities out there that are purely to help parents who have lost a child or more so a baby, it takes two minutes to google charities in your local area and they are a huge help. Each charity is different of course and offer different services but most offer counselling on a 1:1 or group basis. They also offer a lot of other things to help your grieving process and most of these charities are run by people who have also lost a child and know exactly what you are going through and I think that makes opening up to them a whole lot easier and it reminds you that there are other people on the same boat as you, you’re not alone. Also, if you don’t fancy approaching a charity, I’d advise you to contact your doctor, they can give you some medical advice if you need something to help with anxiety or sleeping etc and they can also refer you to see a counsellor, I prefer to try and do things without the assistance of drugs (prescribed of course) but I already suffered from really bad anxiety before falling pregnant with Ivy-Rose and since her passing it has gone through the roof, so as well as a lot of counselling I am receiving drugs to help my anxiety, which is fine because if that’s what makes this process a little easier then who has the right to say anything, so don’t feel bad if your doctor thinks it is bed to prescribe you with something.
  4. Create a memory box – When I was pregnant with Ivy-Rose, I created a memory box (I have one from when I was younger and I love mine so I always said I’d make one for my child before I even knew the path me and Ivy-Rose were about to go on). I put all of my scan pictures in it, photos from my maternity shoot, photos from my baby showers, bump updates and also my hand written diary from when I was pregnant. I also put in a few little things from my baby shower, or things I had picked up along the way in my pregnancy from outings etc that reminded me of when I was carrying Ivy-Rose. My aunt also got Ivy-Rose a little memory box with her name on it and little rose’s etc and in that one I have her, little keepsakes that people bought her when I was pregnant, I told people not to bring gifts to my baby showers but a few people did bring like little teddies or ornaments for her room so I have put them in there and I also put her little hospital bangles, her life-support tube and all the outfits she ever wore in there too (vaccum packed so I can keep her scent and take them out and sniff them when I want to feel close to her). When Ivy-Rose had passed I received a “memory box” from a charity called SiMBA a.k.a. Simpson’s Memory Box Appeal The hospital are given these boxes to give to parents who lose a child before during or shortly after birth. It is amazing and very personal, I was going to post a photo of all the things inside the memory box but some things are too personal I just want to keep them to myself so I will list what is in the box so you get a rough idea and can create your own similar one. There is; a clay hand and footprint mould set which we done in the hospital, ink hand and footprint kit which we also done in the hospital, a lock of Ivy-Rose’s hair, a little teddy bear and she has the exact same one in her coffin with her, a little pink knitted square (when we were in the hospital she was given on and so was I and the neonatal nurse told me to always keep mine on me and keep Ivy-Rose’s under her vests then when the time came for us to say goodbye forever we swapped them so I have her scent and she has her mama’s and we are forever connected), a little candle & candle holder to light for your baby, there are a lot of booklets on how to deal with grief, how your family can help you etc. It is a really fantastic idea and I am so grateful I got given one, there are other things but for sentimental value I wish to keep them private.
  5. Remember it is ok to cry – At first when Ivy-Rose passed away I cried when she actually passed and then I just hid it, partly because I was numb and partly because I didn’t want the sad energy around my baby, dead or alive. Then I cried at her funeral and after that I only cried when I was alone, I didn’t want anyone else seeing me upset or crying, no one else was crying over her and I didn’t want to be a burden. Now, I know that my family and friends do still cry over Ivy-Rose, of course they do they just don’t do it in front of me because they don’t want to upset me more than I already am. Now, I know that I am also allowed to cry over my child, when and where ever I want. If I need to have a cry in the middle of the supermarket then so be it, it’s so much better to let it out than keeping it bottled up and who cares if someone looks at you like you have 2 heads, chances are you’ll never see that person again anyway so always cry when you need to cry, it’s part of this journey.
  6. Never feel bad for speaking your child’s name – I feel like I constantly post on social media about Ivy-Rose or photos of her or constantly bring her up in conversation but that is purely because I am sooo proud of my daughter, I am proud of her journey to meet me, I am proud of her fight to stay alive and I will forever be the proudest mama on this planet for what an amazing, strong and beautiful daughter I gave birth to. If people don’t like me constantly talking about Ivy-Rose or posting about her then they can remove themselves from around me. People who have children that are alive are allowed to post about their children daily or speak about them in every conversation they have so why shouldn’t we as bereaved parents be allowed to do the same. My daughter may not walk this earth but until the day I die her name will always be spoken and her memory will live on.
  7. Take up a hobby – I have always loved music, art and writing. I have found that now, I do a whole lot more of all three and it has really helped me during my grieving. It depends what mood I am in but sometimes I will want to just block out the world for a bit so I will come up to my bedroom, put my earphones in, put my playlists on shuffle and just blare my music until I feel better (it really helps, trust me) or sometimes I may even sing along. Sometimes, I prefer to come to my room sit in silence and just draw, I might just doodle lots of little silly scribbles on a page for a while or I might create a masterpiece, it just depends on what mood I am in. Then, other times, I will turn to this blog or my personal diary and just spill my heart out. Recently, I have been finding it hard to express how I am feeling and I am seeking more counselling to help with that so I have been writing more in my personal diary than on here but I still love this blog for the fact that not only can I write whatever I want and get Ivy-Rose’s story out there and possibly help others, I can read other peoples posts and it helps me realise that I am not alone. So if you’re feeling down and like you can’t express your emotions or just need something to stop your mind from going 1000 miles per hour then take up a hobby or pick back up on one you had but let go for a bit.
  8. Remember YOU’RE NOT ALONE – I know too well there are times you feel like you are the only person on this planet, the only person who is feeling like this, the only person who knows how it feels to have lost a child. Sad things is, it’s a lot more common than you think and there are loads of people out there going through the exact same heartbreaking journey you are. The statistics for baby loss in the UK are shocking be it; miscarriage, stillborn or death shortly after birth. Our hearts will never heal and we will never be the people we were before our angel babies went to heaven but we are still here, we have to live on in memory of our babies. Since losing Ivy-Rose a lot of friends, family members and family friends have come to me and told me their story of losing their baby, people who I had no idea had went through this, people you’d never think by looking at them that they have felt this heartbreak. But, you don’t always know everyone’s story and through our babies I have connected to some amazing people who I will be close with forever now. There is always someone who is willing to listen, someone who you can reach out to or relate to and I think it’s only until you go through losing a child yourself you are closed off from these conversations about baby loss when really we should be speaking about it and speaking about our babies.

I hope if you are feeling at your wits end and unable to process your thoughts or feelings that some of these will help you, these are only a few coping mechanisms I choose to use on a daily basis that really help me. Also, my inbox is always open for a chat to anyone who needs it, I can’t say I am going to make the pain and hurt disappear but sometimes just a friendly chat can make a huge difference.

Lots of Love,

Chloe & Ivy-Rose

xo.

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Things people say or do around grieving mothers that can be worked on…

Things people say or do around grieving mothers that can be worked on…

Hi guys,

I wanted to do this post as I get a lot of messages from friends, family and followers asking pretty much the same questions and saying the same things. I’m going to clear a few things up and this is entirely my own opinions, grief is different for everyone and everyone’s situations and experiences are so unique so I am in no way speaking for everyone who has lost a baby.

I’m going to list comments/questions in bold and put my opinion on them below each one…

“Are you ok?”

  1. Each day is different. Each hour is different. Emotions after losing anyone in general are all over the place and I think especially after losing a child your emotions and moods are like a roller-coaster ride, constantly up and down. So when you text/message/ask me this question, you wont get a straight answer. Most of the time it’s a generic reply, “yea I’m ok”. I tend to say this if I genuinely am feeling ok for a change but I will also say this if I am feeling at my lowest. The reason I will say this even if I’m not ok is because when I’m not ok I prefer to deal with my thoughts and feelings on my own and process them and then speak to people about them and even at that there are a selected few people who I tend to open up to.
  2. I appreciate your concern for my well-being but how would you feel after losing a child? Majority of the time I am not “ok” because when I’m low and struggle to even get out of bed, that’s expected considering it has only been 5 months since I lost Ivy-Rose. Then when I’m “happy”, “laughing” or “getting on with life” I feel a tremendous amount of guilt. Like I’m not supposed to be “ok”.

 

“You can have other children”

  1. I know I can have other children. 5 months after losing my baby girl, this is the last thing I am even thinking about.
  2. Even if I am going to go on to have other children, they will be an addition to Ivy-Rose, not a replacement.
  3. When I hear people saying this, this is what I hear “it’s ok you can move on and have other children and forget about Ivy-Rose”. I understand this isn’t what people mean but this is literally what I hear and it is sooo infuriating. So like I said I appreciate you even taking time to check in on me and try give me some moral support but please leave this comment out.

 

“You need to get out of the house more”

  1. Most days you’re lucky I’m even dragging my ass out of bed. Most days I can’t face the world as I literally just cry at the smallest thing. Every day is a battle and I’m sorry if I make plans with you and then cancel a day before but I can’t predict how I am going to be feeling in the next few days/weeks. I don’t plan on being so upset I literally have black eyes from crying all day and night nor do I like it but I also can’t help it. The only person I have ever truly loved, part of me, someone I had so many big plans with has been taken from me and they are never coming back. I will never get to see my baby again so of course I am going to have “bad days”.
  2. When I am having these “bad days” the last thing I want is for people to see me like this. This is not pretty. I can’t face getting out of my pyjamas, I can’t face even brushing my hair, sometimes my eyes are actually so puffy and bruised from crying it looks like I’ve went 10 rounds with Mike Tyson, would you want anyone to see you like this?
  3. Also, when I am this low I know that if I go out and socialise with people it wont “take my mind off things” because everyone wants to keep bringing up my current situation but they never want to actually speak about Ivy-Rose. So for me if I am feeling like this, it’s better for everyone if I just keep myself to myself.

 

“You’ve changed”

  1. Well of course. Losing a baby tends to do that to people. Try growing a human for 9 months, bonding with that baby, making big plans for that baby and yourself, bringing this little human into the world and then for it to be snatched away. Knowing you will never get to see your baby again, wont get to see their first smile, their first steps, hear them speak their first word, throw them their first birthday party or celebrate any of their birthdays with them, see them grow up etc. All that stuff you had planned in that 9 months of carrying them is all just snatched away from you.
  2. I will never be the same. The day my daughter died, part of me died with her. So yes, I have changed. I will never be the same again.

 

When people want to speak about what I am going through but wont mention my daughter’s name/act awkward when I mention Ivy-Rose…

  1. My biggest fear as a mother who has lost a child is that my child will be forgotten. I try everything in my power to prevent people from forgetting my daughter (if you have me on facebook or instagram you will know I’m one of those mothers who post constantly about their child).
  2. You will not “upset” me if you mention Ivy-Rose’s name or ask me about her story. It has the opposite effect actually. It’s like music to my ears when someone wants to sit down and talk about my daughter. If there is something that’s too hard for me to talk about or something about her story that will upset me, I wont burst out crying or scream in your face not to talk about that specific detail, I will politely say can we not talk about that part and we can continue to talk about the amazing, strong and beautiful little girl my daughter was.
  3. I understand I speak about Ivy-Rose a lot, this ties in with the fact that I am scared that she will be forgotten. If you don’t like the fact I constantly talk about my daughter then remove me from your friends list, don’t sit in my company, or buy a set of earmuffs because I’m not stopping anytime soon. I will continue to speak my daughter’s name until the day I die. It somehow seems like it’s okay for mothers to constantly speak/post about their children but not if their child has passed away. I don’t know why it’s like this but it just is.

 

There are lots more things people say and do that I could comment on but I don’t want to make this post too long. I think in this day and age there is so much stigma around baby loss, people don’t know what to say or how to act around someone who has lost a child but we really need to break this stigma. If we want to talk about our children then please don’t act weird or shut us down or change the subject. Also, don’t be afraid to mention our child’s names. I may do another post with the rest of the things people say/do so stay tuned.

 

P.s. I’m sorry if I sound rude or ungrateful for people’s support. I really do appreciate people’s support and concern but these are just little things that need straightened out.

Lots of love,

Chloe & Ivy-Rose

xo.

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Thank You!

Thank You!

Hi everyone,

This post is kind of just to say how truly amazed and overwhelmed I am with the support from you all. After my last two posts, I have received an unbelievable amount of messages and comments of support from you and from followers on social media. Losing Ivy-Rose will always be the worst thing I have ever had to go through and I am still going through. Unless you have lost a baby yourself you will never really understand the heartbreak and trauma you endure when losing a baby. Some days I think why am I still here when my baby isn’t? Like, what am I doing? What is my purpose? And recently I have come to realise, I am still living and I know for a fact the last thing Ivy-Rose would want is her mama to roll over and give up. She fought to live and meet me and so I will fight and keep her memory alive.

I have been doing a lot of research on things I can do to help other mums and dads through the most traumatic time of their lives and once I have anything set in stone I will keep you all posted. I hate to think that Ivy-Rose died for nothing and so I will do as much as I can to help others in her honour.

To the bereaved parents who think the same as me; What am I doing here when my baby is in heaven? Why am I still alive when my baby had to die? What is even the point in being here? I have one thing to say to you all, You are so much stronger than you think, don’t give up, hang in there.

Follow Ivy-Rose’s Instagram for lots of updates – @Ivyrose17x

Lots of Love,

Chloe & Ivy-Rose

xo.

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Last post updated…

Last post updated…

Hey guys,

So I have updated the last post and added some of my favourite pictures of our time with Ivy-Rose♥️ I couldn’t add all of my photos of Ivy-Rose because I have about 3000 just on my phone lol (yeah, I’m one of those mums😉). I hope you all love the photos as much as I do. I will be putting up a new blog post very soon and I will also be posting more photos regularly to Ivy-Rose’s Instagram so keep checking that out too🤗

Thank you all for staying tuned and all of your lovely messages and comments about my baby girl, I really appreciate it and it melts my heart to know my little angel made such an impact on so many people👩‍👧

Il leave you with a picture of Ivy-Rose’s cheeky little smile, even with breathing tubes in and in a lot of pain she was still smiling for her mama. Right up until her last breath😍

Lots of love,

Chloe & Ivy-Rose

Xo.

Ivy-Rose’s Story…

Ivy-Rose’s Story…

Hi guys,

Firstly I want to apologise for being MIA for so long. I feel I am now ready to tell you all my birth story and the journey I have had since my last post. This post may upset some people or trigger some emotions for people who have lost a child.

As you all know I had a planned C-Section due the 14th November 2017. As planned i got up at 5AM to get prepared to head to the hospital. The night before I hardly slept a wink, I was soooo excited. I bounced out of bed at 5AM, took my final tablet and continued to fast whilst my aunt aka birthing partner stuffed her face with some breakfast, how considerate lol.  we then packed up the car and headed to the hospital. Surprisingly I was so calm and so excited, leading up to this day I was so scared and begged to just keep Ivy-Rose inside forever lol. We checked into the hospital, got changed into my hospital gown and got told to wait. Me and Tricia (my birthing partner) sat and done about 100 crossword puzzles to pass time. Originally I was told I would be one of the first on the list to go have my baby but due to the Paediatrics team being late doing their medication rounds on the paediatrics ward I was told I wouldn’t be going to theatre until after lunch, my heart sank, One because I had to wait longer to see my baby and two because I was sooooo blooming hungry as I had to fast from 10pm the night before and wasn’t even allowed water. Lunchtime came pretty quickly and I got taken down to theatre…

I met about 10 different doctors and nurses who came and introduced themselves and told me what part they would play in bringing my baby into the world. I was told I would be going in to have Ivy-Rose at 1pm. 1pm came and a nurse came to me and said “I’m sorry chloe but we have been ordered to put off your section until 2pm” I was starting to get a bit annoyed now because I just wanted to meet my baby. I later found out the reason they held off my surgery was because Professor Cameron (the Fetal Medicine Specialist I used to see every month) wanted to be the one to deliver Ivy-Rose and was in another section at 1pm. He then postponed someone else’s section to bring Ivy-Rose into the world. I then got a canula put into my hand and I was pretty used to this so it was just a little scratch. 2pm came and I walked into theatre. The room was full of people because of how many teams were there to make sure they could bring Ivy-Rose into the world safely. I got told to sit on the bed and get the dreaded epidural. For anyone who is planning a section and never had one before, DO NOT dread the epidural, it is literally nothing I actually turned round to them and asked if they had done it yet. Before I knew it I was flat on my back, lying like Jesus and Ivy-Rose was born. Unfortunately for me the Epidural didn’t work properly so I could still feel a lot of pain. As soon as my aunt said she had seen Ivy-Rose I had a panic attack and had to be put straight to sleep.

I woke up from my section and the first thing I said was “Is Ivy-Rose ok?” The nurse who was looking after me then told me my beautiful baby girl was born at 1425, she weighed a pretty good 4lbs 15oz (considering her complications and prematurity) and she told me the paediatrics team worked hard and very quickly to get Ivy-Rose a breathing tube and she was rushed straight to Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). After this I felt a huge rush of emotions and just couldn’t stop crying and begging to see my baby. They had to make sure I was healthy enough to be wheeled up to the NICU and they also told me the head of paediatrics wanted to come and speak to me, from that moment I knew it wasn’t good news. The Paediatrics specialist came in to see me and he sat on the end of the bed. He told me that Ivy-Rose is stable but is on full life support. Her Exomphalos was a lot bigger than they had anticipated. Her little lungs were basically non-existent and hadn’t grown past 12 weeks in the womb so she is really struggling to make the change of breathing in the amniotic fluid to breathing in oxygen. He then told me straight up, your baby is going to die, its just a matter of how long we can keep her alive. My heart broke there and then. I begged them to make her better, I gave them options to try and I just balled my eyes out. I really thought she would have been able to fight this.

I got wheeled up to the NICU in my bed and placed beside this perfect, chubby, pouty and teeny little baby with lots of wires and breathing tubes. I just burst with pride. My baby girl was perfect in every single day. As soon as I touched her she opened her eyes and stared right at me, I literally couldn’t take my eyes off of her. I sang our song (You are my sunshine) to her as I stroked her little cheeks. She smiled at me, squeezed onto my fingers, kicked her legs and waved her arms about and for a while I still believed they had got it wrong and she was going to be ok. I was so at peace just sitting beside her cot, holding her hand, speaking to her and singing to her. Then my world fell apart, her machines started beeping and the doctors all gathered in the corner of the room and approached me. They said that Ivy-Rose’s body just couldn’t handle any more treatment, she was deteriorating very very quickly. They told me to get family members around as soon as  possible and asked if I would like to get her christened. I said I did want to get her baptised so they arranged that and my aunt arranged to get everyone to the hospital immediately. I just sat and stared at Ivy-Rose and it broke my heart knowing she was going to die. I begged and pleaded with her to fight this and stay with me. I also prayed to God not to take her away from me. Before I knew it the full family was up to see my precious baby girl. If this were to be Ivy-Rose’s last hours, days, minutes on earth with me I didn’t want her to see or hear everyone crying so I told people before they came into see her to try not to cry. Everyone failed which is understandable. We got loads of pictures and everyone got to meet my beautiful baby girl, I never left her side for one minute. The priest then showed up and my immediate family and I witnessed her get baptised, it wasn’t the christening I had planned or dreamed of when I was pregnant but it was still so beautiful. My family then went home but told me to contact them if there are any changes.

It was roughly 12 o’clock at night and the nurse came to me and said “do you want to change your baby girl?” It was the first time I really felt like a mother, I got to change her bum and her nurse Tracey picked out a lovely little outfit and I put on a hat I had bought for her that said Mummy’s Girl. They then told me, she was getting worse. I told my aunt to call my brother and sister and they got there almost immediately. We done hand and footprints together as a family, got even more photos and then the nurse came and my world collapsed. She told me that it’s only a matter of time before Ivy-Rose passes away, I have the option to leave her in the incubator attached to all the wires and she will die or I can make the heartbreaking decision to remove all of the machines and let Ivy-Rose die in my arms. I looked at my baby girl and I could see her lips slowly but surely turning blue and she wasn’t as alert as she was when she was first born. So as much as it killed me and I felt like my heart was ripped out my chest I knew I had to do what was right for my baby and I decided I wanted my baby to feel my love, affection, cuddles and kisses. The let me hold her with the tubes still attached and she opened her eyes for a couple of photos. Then we were taken down to a room in the labour ward as it would give us more privacy. My biggest fear was that she would die on the way down to the labour ward. She made it down to the labour ward and they began the process. They firstly removed her outfit and placed her in my arms against my chest. They let us get some photos of me holding her with the tubes still intact and then they came and told me they were going to remove the tubes, once they had taken the tubes out they left the room for about 5 minutes. I just sat and sang our song as I cradled my baby girl in my arms. After about 3 minutes I knew she was gone and I just broke down. I told my aunt to go get the doctor and he came in and confirmed that she had passed away. My whole world ended there and then.

I then got to spend a full week in the hospital with my baby girl and I can not thank the staff in the hospital enough. The midwifes, nurses, paediatrics team and everyone else at the hospital made me feel so at ease and were there for me with anything I needed as soon as I needed it. After that week Ivy-Rose was due to go for her post-mortem and handing her over knowing I had to spend the night away from her was like being told she had just passed away again. It killed me knowing my baby was going to be in hospital alone.

Ivy-Rose was born at 1425 on the 14th November 2017 and grew her angel wings at 0204 on the 15th November 2017. She was only here for a short time but knew nothing but love in her little life. I am so incredibly proud of my little fighter and can proudly say she fought until the very end to make sure she got lots of mummy cuddles. I may not get to hold my baby girl in my arms again but I will forever hold her in my heart and I will constantly brag about my amazing, beautiful daughter Ivy-Rose. It is now almost 6 months since having my girl and the pain of losing her only gets worse each day.

I’m going to end this post here as I feel it’s longer than I would have liked but I will be posting a bit more regularly again and keeping you updated with how I am coping, pictures of my little beauty and stories from that week we spent together.

Thank you all so much for reading my posts and asking for Ivy-Rose in messages and comments, I am sorry I have been awol but I just couldn’t face putting it into words until now.

I miss you Ivy-Rose, You are my sunshine ❤

Love you forever and a day,

Your Mummy xo

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Dear Ivy-Rose…

Dear Ivy-Rose…

Dear my beautiful daughter,

It is 01:33 on the day you will be born – Tuesday, 14th November 2017. I am 37 weeks pregnant & I haven’t slept as of yet and highly doubt I will sleep at all. I am writing this letter to you in hope that one day you will read it.

Monday, 13th November 2017. I woke up covered in sweat and literally about to throw up, today was my last full day carrying you & protecting you and the nerves were setting in. I had my pre-op at the Southern General Maternity, where you will be born. All I had to do was get one set of bloods taken and spoke to the midwife about last minute things I had forgot to ask the other day. I am set to starve myself from midnight (my usual snacking time *sadface* lol) so I have made a pledge with myself, today I am pigging out on anything I want and that is exactly what I done. I woke up had a bowl of chocolate pillows (cereal), then I had toast, then a McDonald’s then a chippy as my last meal lol. Of course me being the fatty I am had to indulge in chocolate and crisps in between all those meals lol. Anyway I have just been taking it easy all day, enjoying my last day of carrying you. I have been really emotional as I wont be feeling you kick lumps out of me or winding me from tomorrow on wards. So right now I am just enjoying feeling your movements and your last day in the baby cave. at 10pm I had to take a tablet for acid in the stomach or something (everyone has to take them before surgery) and I will be taking another one at 6AM. Then from midnight I will starve and from 6AM I wont even be allowed water, meeting you will all be worth it though so I’m not even complaining lol! Tricia is currently ZONKED on the couch (as usual).  I am trying not to think of the actual operation and what it entails, the only thing keeping me calm(ish) and excited is knowing I get to see you. THE DAY HAS FINALLY COME!!!!!

I have so many emotions running through me right now. I am scared, nervous, panicky but most of all excited. Christmas has come early. I am so proud of us for making it this far. Remember back at 12 weeks they told me you would never make it past 16 weeks. I went home that night and gave you a pep-talk, telling you to fight this and never leave me, I needed you here with me. Well, looks like the pep-talk worked lol. You have made me the proudest mummy on the planet with how strong you have been. You have taught me so many things already and I can’t wait for us to learn and grow together once you are here. You are the reason I get up and out of bed in the morning and you are the reason I have kept strong through this full pregnancy. The doctor’s biggest concern is your lungs so you best just come out kicking and screaming and finally let everyone meet you, especially all those people that doubted you. Tomorrow is going to be one crazy day but it will also be the best day of my life. As much as I have complained about the aches and pains & everything that comes with pregnancy, I am really going to miss being pregnant. My pregnancy has flown in and I am going to miss my teeny bump, your full-force kicks to my ribs, the late-night raves in the baby cave and just knowing you’re in there. I am dreading having to hand you over to the paediatrics team to care for you and protect you, I have every faith in them and know you are in very, very good hands but for the past 8 months that has been my job and I don’t want someone else to take over from me. I am your mum & I should be the one caring for you and protecting you. But, don’t worry I will be by your side, holding your hand every step of this crazy journey we are about to go on together. You have so many people eager to meet you, especially your Auntie Hayley. I’m pretty sure she will have set up camp outside the hospital already waiting for the green light to come and see you lol! You are so loved and everyone in our family is so proud of you already. You are one in a million my girl and it amazes me how one little girl who isn’t even born yet can impact so many people; family, friends, medical staff and even strangers from far and wide, you truly are my little miracle and I am so blessed and honoured to be your mummy.

So, I am going to try and get at least an hours sleep as I will be up in 3 hours to head to the hospital then I doubt I will sleep when I am there because I will be too excited lol. I want you to know, I have every faith in you to get through this and fight for your place on this planet, I love you with all my heart my little miracle and I can not wait for us to meet very, very soon. Let the fun begin toots.

Just you and me, it’s us against the world baby girl.

Lots of Love,

Your mummy.

xxx

On The 2nd Day Of Christmas…

On The 2nd Day Of Christmas…

Hey Lovelies,

Today we continued our Christmas weekend. The plan was for us to get up early & me, my aunt Tricia and cousin Sophie to go to the Christmas Market in town then I would go and meet my sister and Kellie to go see the coca-cola truck with the kids. But, I got up everything was fine then boom! Everything went pear shaped. My sister messaged me asking if I wanted to “just leave” going to the coca-cola tuck because she didn’t have much money (she is currently trying to decorate and furnish a new house before Christmas) I said I would give her some and she caused a big massive argument (if you have a sister you know how it can go from 0-100 realllll quick). So we started arguing about money and my emotions have been all over the place as it is so I think the argument ended with me lying in bed refusing to go anywhere, crying my eyes out and screaming down the phone to my sister telling her to never make plans with me again because she always cancels. 5 minutes later, she text saying “I will pick you up at 4pm, be ready!” the joys of having a sister, eh? lol! Then my aunt came in and seen I was sitting half naked (midst getting dressed) and in floods of tears so she asked what was wrong I told her and her reply was “well going to hurry up and get dressed” so then I started crying even more and shouting at her for not caring about how I am feeling. We made up 5 minutes later and she apologised for not being more inconsiderate for my crazy, hormonal, pregnant feelings. Then my little brother messages me starting an argument about something that I said when I was arguing with my sister, so there I go again, angry and crying my eyes out. My brother and I have tendency to argue and but not really argue if you get me so it lasts like 2 seconds then we are fine after that. So we both apologised and we were fine.

So I finally manage to get clothes on and redo my make up (for like the 10th time because I can’t stop crying like a baby). Then we head out, we decided to get the train because parking in town is a nightmare at weekends. We got to town and me and my cousin were bursting for the toilet so we all just skipped the market and went into the shopping centre to go to the toilet. Then we went and got some lunch (we did plan on getting into town earlier but my 5 emotional mealtdowns made us late lol). I was really craving a Chicken Royal from Burger King and it did not disappoint. I don’t think a Burger King has ever tasted so good! Then we finally went back out and had a walk around the Christmas market, the things they had were amazing. Mostly hand made or unique gift ideas but they cost a fortune! I only like going to the market to see all the decorations and for chocolate crepes & hot chocolate and that is exactly what we done next. Headed for the crepe stall. I got a Nutella Crepe and a hot chocolate. The crepe was amazing but gave me really bad heartburn and I felt sick and the hot chocolate was a let down lol! Clearly today I was hard to please. Then my aunt seen tree decorations that you could get personalised so she treated Ivy-Rose to one. I am not putting a tree up this year because I will be up and down to hospital to see Ivy-Rose but I will hang it on her incubator. It is absolutely beautiful.

Then I got the bus to my own house where I was going to wait until my sister came to pick me up and while I was on the bus, Ivy-Rose’s “dad” called me to start an argument and say he was going to block me again because his girlfriend is back on the scene, so there was another argument for the day. He frustrates me so much. One thing about Ivy-Rose’s dad is that he doesn’t stand up for himself and he will do anything to keep his mum happy. His mum doesn’t like me so therefor he isn’t allowed to speak to me and that includes anything to do with Ivy-Rose. He calls me when his mum is out and will say “don’t tell my mum we were in contact”, yep this is from a 31 year old man-child. So I ended up saying to him this isn’t continuing. He isn’t going to see Ivy-Rose and I will be blocking him on every social media and his number. If he wants to see Ivy-Rose he can take me to court to see her. I am not having him pick her up and drop her when it suits him like some sort of toy. By the time I said that though he informed me he already done so. No skin off my nose, we have coped pretty well for 8 months without him already pretty sure we will be fine lol! So I was sat on the bus crying my eyes out, purely because I wanted Ivy-Rose to have two parents who love her, but one parent who loves the bones of a child is better than two where one doesn’t care anyway. His loss.

So then I got to mine, my sister came and picked me up. Then we headed to the coca-cola truck. It is one of these things where if you’ve seen it once you really don’t have to see it again but the kids love it for the lights. There was a  3 hour que just to get a picture standing infront of this truck. It was also freezing and there was that many people me and my little brother’s girlfriend (who is also pregnant with my beautiful niece) were a bit panicky in the large crowd, people kept banging into us, barging us out the way because we didn’t have kids (even though we are quite clearly expecting) and they were just plain rude with not a care in the world for other peoples safety or space. So we cut our trip short got the pictures and left. It was good to all be together and spend some quality time together though and the coca-cola truck always makes it feel like Christmas. Then we came home and finished off the day by watching videos from when I was little at family Christmas partys (we always have a family party on boxing day), let’s just say my emotions weren’t really prepared for watching them lol!

Overall, today was a good day. Quality time spent with family and friends and I am just going to pretend the arguments and emotional melt-downs never happened lol…

Hope you all had a lovely weekend.

(Please excuse the Snapchat filters in a few of the pictures lol)

Chloe & Ivy-Rose

xo.

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