Dear Ivy-Rose…

Dear Ivy-Rose…

Dear my beautiful daughter,

It is 01:33 on the day you will be born – Tuesday, 14th November 2017. I am 37 weeks pregnant & I haven’t slept as of yet and highly doubt I will sleep at all. I am writing this letter to you in hope that one day you will read it.

Monday, 13th November 2017. I woke up covered in sweat and literally about to throw up, today was my last full day carrying you & protecting you and the nerves were setting in. I had my pre-op at the Southern General Maternity, where you will be born. All I had to do was get one set of bloods taken and spoke to the midwife about last minute things I had forgot to ask the other day. I am set to starve myself from midnight (my usual snacking time *sadface* lol) so I have made a pledge with myself, today I am pigging out on anything I want and that is exactly what I done. I woke up had a bowl of chocolate pillows (cereal), then I had toast, then a McDonald’s then a chippy as my last meal lol. Of course me being the fatty I am had to indulge in chocolate and crisps in between all those meals lol. Anyway I have just been taking it easy all day, enjoying my last day of carrying you. I have been really emotional as I wont be feeling you kick lumps out of me or winding me from tomorrow on wards. So right now I am just enjoying feeling your movements and your last day in the baby cave. at 10pm I had to take a tablet for acid in the stomach or something (everyone has to take them before surgery) and I will be taking another one at 6AM. Then from midnight I will starve and from 6AM I wont even be allowed water, meeting you will all be worth it though so I’m not even complaining lol! Tricia is currently ZONKED on the couch (as usual).  I am trying not to think of the actual operation and what it entails, the only thing keeping me calm(ish) and excited is knowing I get to see you. THE DAY HAS FINALLY COME!!!!!

I have so many emotions running through me right now. I am scared, nervous, panicky but most of all excited. Christmas has come early. I am so proud of us for making it this far. Remember back at 12 weeks they told me you would never make it past 16 weeks. I went home that night and gave you a pep-talk, telling you to fight this and never leave me, I needed you here with me. Well, looks like the pep-talk worked lol. You have made me the proudest mummy on the planet with how strong you have been. You have taught me so many things already and I can’t wait for us to learn and grow together once you are here. You are the reason I get up and out of bed in the morning and you are the reason I have kept strong through this full pregnancy. The doctor’s biggest concern is your lungs so you best just come out kicking and screaming and finally let everyone meet you, especially all those people that doubted you. Tomorrow is going to be one crazy day but it will also be the best day of my life. As much as I have complained about the aches and pains & everything that comes with pregnancy, I am really going to miss being pregnant. My pregnancy has flown in and I am going to miss my teeny bump, your full-force kicks to my ribs, the late-night raves in the baby cave and just knowing you’re in there. I am dreading having to hand you over to the paediatrics team to care for you and protect you, I have every faith in them and know you are in very, very good hands but for the past 8 months that has been my job and I don’t want someone else to take over from me. I am your mum & I should be the one caring for you and protecting you. But, don’t worry I will be by your side, holding your hand every step of this crazy journey we are about to go on together. You have so many people eager to meet you, especially your Auntie Hayley. I’m pretty sure she will have set up camp outside the hospital already waiting for the green light to come and see you lol! You are so loved and everyone in our family is so proud of you already. You are one in a million my girl and it amazes me how one little girl who isn’t even born yet can impact so many people; family, friends, medical staff and even strangers from far and wide, you truly are my little miracle and I am so blessed and honoured to be your mummy.

So, I am going to try and get at least an hours sleep as I will be up in 3 hours to head to the hospital then I doubt I will sleep when I am there because I will be too excited lol. I want you to know, I have every faith in you to get through this and fight for your place on this planet, I love you with all my heart my little miracle and I can not wait for us to meet very, very soon. Let the fun begin toots.

Just you and me, it’s us against the world baby girl.

Lots of Love,

Your mummy.

xxx

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On The 2nd Day Of Christmas…

On The 2nd Day Of Christmas…

Hey Lovelies,

Today we continued our Christmas weekend. The plan was for us to get up early & me, my aunt Tricia and cousin Sophie to go to the Christmas Market in town then I would go and meet my sister and Kellie to go see the coca-cola truck with the kids. But, I got up everything was fine then boom! Everything went pear shaped. My sister messaged me asking if I wanted to “just leave” going to the coca-cola tuck because she didn’t have much money (she is currently trying to decorate and furnish a new house before Christmas) I said I would give her some and she caused a big massive argument (if you have a sister you know how it can go from 0-100 realllll quick). So we started arguing about money and my emotions have been all over the place as it is so I think the argument ended with me lying in bed refusing to go anywhere, crying my eyes out and screaming down the phone to my sister telling her to never make plans with me again because she always cancels. 5 minutes later, she text saying “I will pick you up at 4pm, be ready!” the joys of having a sister, eh? lol! Then my aunt came in and seen I was sitting half naked (midst getting dressed) and in floods of tears so she asked what was wrong I told her and her reply was “well going to hurry up and get dressed” so then I started crying even more and shouting at her for not caring about how I am feeling. We made up 5 minutes later and she apologised for not being more inconsiderate for my crazy, hormonal, pregnant feelings. Then my little brother messages me starting an argument about something that I said when I was arguing with my sister, so there I go again, angry and crying my eyes out. My brother and I have tendency to argue and but not really argue if you get me so it lasts like 2 seconds then we are fine after that. So we both apologised and we were fine.

So I finally manage to get clothes on and redo my make up (for like the 10th time because I can’t stop crying like a baby). Then we head out, we decided to get the train because parking in town is a nightmare at weekends. We got to town and me and my cousin were bursting for the toilet so we all just skipped the market and went into the shopping centre to go to the toilet. Then we went and got some lunch (we did plan on getting into town earlier but my 5 emotional mealtdowns made us late lol). I was really craving a Chicken Royal from Burger King and it did not disappoint. I don’t think a Burger King has ever tasted so good! Then we finally went back out and had a walk around the Christmas market, the things they had were amazing. Mostly hand made or unique gift ideas but they cost a fortune! I only like going to the market to see all the decorations and for chocolate crepes & hot chocolate and that is exactly what we done next. Headed for the crepe stall. I got a Nutella Crepe and a hot chocolate. The crepe was amazing but gave me really bad heartburn and I felt sick and the hot chocolate was a let down lol! Clearly today I was hard to please. Then my aunt seen tree decorations that you could get personalised so she treated Ivy-Rose to one. I am not putting a tree up this year because I will be up and down to hospital to see Ivy-Rose but I will hang it on her incubator. It is absolutely beautiful.

Then I got the bus to my own house where I was going to wait until my sister came to pick me up and while I was on the bus, Ivy-Rose’s “dad” called me to start an argument and say he was going to block me again because his girlfriend is back on the scene, so there was another argument for the day. He frustrates me so much. One thing about Ivy-Rose’s dad is that he doesn’t stand up for himself and he will do anything to keep his mum happy. His mum doesn’t like me so therefor he isn’t allowed to speak to me and that includes anything to do with Ivy-Rose. He calls me when his mum is out and will say “don’t tell my mum we were in contact”, yep this is from a 31 year old man-child. So I ended up saying to him this isn’t continuing. He isn’t going to see Ivy-Rose and I will be blocking him on every social media and his number. If he wants to see Ivy-Rose he can take me to court to see her. I am not having him pick her up and drop her when it suits him like some sort of toy. By the time I said that though he informed me he already done so. No skin off my nose, we have coped pretty well for 8 months without him already pretty sure we will be fine lol! So I was sat on the bus crying my eyes out, purely because I wanted Ivy-Rose to have two parents who love her, but one parent who loves the bones of a child is better than two where one doesn’t care anyway. His loss.

So then I got to mine, my sister came and picked me up. Then we headed to the coca-cola truck. It is one of these things where if you’ve seen it once you really don’t have to see it again but the kids love it for the lights. There was a  3 hour que just to get a picture standing infront of this truck. It was also freezing and there was that many people me and my little brother’s girlfriend (who is also pregnant with my beautiful niece) were a bit panicky in the large crowd, people kept banging into us, barging us out the way because we didn’t have kids (even though we are quite clearly expecting) and they were just plain rude with not a care in the world for other peoples safety or space. So we cut our trip short got the pictures and left. It was good to all be together and spend some quality time together though and the coca-cola truck always makes it feel like Christmas. Then we came home and finished off the day by watching videos from when I was little at family Christmas partys (we always have a family party on boxing day), let’s just say my emotions weren’t really prepared for watching them lol!

Overall, today was a good day. Quality time spent with family and friends and I am just going to pretend the arguments and emotional melt-downs never happened lol…

Hope you all had a lovely weekend.

(Please excuse the Snapchat filters in a few of the pictures lol)

Chloe & Ivy-Rose

xo.

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Christmas is coming early…

Christmas is coming early…

Hey guys,

It is a little tradition in our family to go to Christmas markets and the coca-cola truck in the lead up to Christmas and as I will be having Ivy-Rose next week and we will be in hospital with her for a good while my aunt has come up with the idea that we will have a Christmas weekend and have Christmas early. So today we went to a garden centre that was holding a huge Christmas market. It had lots of decorations and stalls with hand made things. Of course I didn’t buy myself anything but I did get Ivy-Rose a little knitted snowman for on the Christmas tree but I will hang it at her incubator. She also got treated to a pair of knitted booties lol. In case you couldn’t tell I love knitted stuff lol!

They also had lots of like scenes set up where you could sit and take your photo so me and my gran had to get some pics on the sleigh to remember bumps first “Christmas”. Also my aunt told me to sit on the snow throne because these days I’m the “Ice Queen”, trying to be funny lol!

Then we went to my grans for a cup of tea. For the past 2/3 days my aunt’s little bichon, Lola, has been glued to my bump. Like she will literally not leave me alone lol. I’m just hoping she isn’t trying to tell me Ivy-Rose is planning on coming before our section. Ivy-Rose on the other hand has just been kicking lumps out of Lola to get off, Little Madam that she is.

And last night I slept a full 6 hours uninterrupted!!!! IT’S A MIRACLE!!! I can’t remember the last time I slept more than 2 hours at night without waking up.

Here is pictures from our adventures today…

Chloe & Ivy-Rose

xo.

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ECR Class…

ECR Class…

Hey lovelies,

Today we went along to the class to prepare you for your C-Section. There were about 8 pregnant ladies including myself and most of us had our birthing partners with us but some came on their own. The class started with a physio lady speaking about ways you are allowed to move after your section, how to sneeze/cough (I know who would have thought you’d need a class on how to sneeze or cough lol), how to get out of bed and how to walk when your feeling in your legs comes back.

Then another lady started speaking about the full plan of action; when to take the tablets, when you have to stop eating (this is one I am going to struggle with as I usually get really peckish and I am constantly up raiding the fridge and cupboards at midnight so yeah that’ll be a toughy lol), you’re only allowed water, what time we have to be at the hospital for, what will happen when we get there, where to go… you all get the drift lol.

Then we all went and sat in a waiting room and seen a midwife for a 1-2-1 chat. She basically done your pre-op; asked all the basic health questions, checked your weight, height, bmi, blood-pressure etc. Then she asked if we had any questions and answered those.

The class was over all pretty good and informative, I still can’t believe they give you a section and expect you to be out of hospital within 24 hours (quicker but easier recovery was the whole point in the class). The ladies were very friendly and made everyone feel at ease. I just found that they kept going on about healthy babies and what will happen to deliver a healthy baby when I know Ivy-Rose’s delivery is going to be so different from what she explained (no skin to skin, getting to hold your baby, you carry your baby to the ward etc.) I know I wont be able to do any of that when Ivy-Rose is born because our main priority is getting her stable. But none the less it was pretty informative and I am just ready to go in and get it over with and meet my baby girl.

Also, I got woken up at 6am with a phonecall from a number, I always answer my phone incase it’s a family emergency. So I answered and it was Ivy-Rose’s “dad” that hasn’t been in contact since I told him I was pregnant. Apparently he was just wanting to make sure we were both ok and wants to be a part of her life now. I am unsure on what to do because I want Ivy-Rose to have a daddy but I don’t want him walking in and out of her life when it suits him and she ends up hurt and upset from it. It has totally threw a spanner in the works and I have a lot to think about. Most of my family have been so angry and said he wasn’t interested all this time so tell him to go away but I feel I need to do what is best for Ivy-Rose and perhaps that is seeing her dad, but what if he lets her down and walks away again? My head has been spinning with all of these questions all day. I do not have a clue what I am going to do. He also knew she is sick (he found out through a 3rd party because he blocked my number when I told him we were having a baby) but he doesn’t realise the full extent of how sick she is, he thinks I’m “milking” her illnesses. I honestly would rather he disappeared and let me carry on doing this on my own like I have done the past 8 months but he seems set in his ways and determined he wants to stick his nose in now, but for how long? I am so hurt that he thinks he can just pop into Ivy-Rose’s life when it suits him, where was he when I done the pregnancy test? Where was he when I found out she may have Edaward’s Syndrome or Patau Syndrome? Where was he when I was told off of numerous doctors to abort my beautiful baby girl? Where was he when we found out she had Exomphalos and Kyphoscoliosis? Where has he been the full time our precious baby girl has been fighting to stay alive in the womb? He was out loving life, drinking, a different girlfriend every week and not thinking twice about his baby girl. And now he’s fed up of that life style he wants to be a dad? Thats what hurts me most, she isn’t a toy you can pick up and drop when it suits.

Anyway, I needed that rant, my head has been doing over-time all day and I am trying not to get stressed but its hard when you are very, very pregnant and have morons annoying you lol!

Not long now… Here is us before we went to the class, surviving on 1&1/2 hours sleep…

P.s. Follow Ivy-Rose’s instagram for cute pictures and videos of her movements, you’d think she was having a rave in the baby cave most nights lol it is  @ivyrose17x 🙂

Chloe & Ivy-Rose

xo.

Coming Sooner Than Expected?

Coming Sooner Than Expected?

Hey guys,

So I have officially moved into my aunt’s until C-section day!

So it is currently 02:20 and I am up in pain. when I woke up this morning I had slight back cramp, nothing out of the ordinary. As the day went on the have gotten worse but not drastically. So My aunt got in from work and I told her I was very uncomfortable and the pains were getting worse so she told me to keep an eye on them and if they got too sore she would take me to the hospital. So after dinner I start getting really sharp cramps in my back and stomach and twinges in my noony. They were all pretty strong but very far apart and I hadn’t lost my plug or my waters hadn’t gone yet so I was trying to stay calm and just breathe through the pain. I asked my aunt to run me a bath and although it helped my back my stomach pains got worse as Ivy-Rose was going mental since she loves bath time lol! She was literally popping limbs out every part of my tummy.

So the bath didn’t really help much and I came to bed with a hot water bottle. The pains in my back and stomach are still here and very, very sore & uncomfortable but I am trying to breathe through them. I am just hoping she doesn’t want to make an earlier appearance than we are expecting. I have given her a pep-talk and told her to stay out until Tuesday lol let’s hope she listens. As for now I just need to lie uncomfortably and hope she stays put in the baby cave.

I have my C-Section class tomorrow (well technically today as it is past 12 o’clock) at the Queen Elizabeth where Ivy-Rose will be born. So I will let you guys know how I get on at that!

4 days to go… EEEEEEK!!!!!

Chloe & Ivy-Rose

xo.

2nd Steroid Injections…

2nd Steroid Injections…

Hey Lovelies,

So yesterday I had probably one of the worst days in my pregnancy. It started off with lack of sleep due to noisy neighbours. They had a party and were blaring music ALLLL night. They also had people coming in and out of the close and shouting in the landing and because I live at the bottom when the close door opens or closes it bangs really loudly and shakes my full flat so with all that I was awake until 6.30 a.m. Then I slept for an hour and work men that are working on the outside of our buildings arrived and one of them hit something off of my window so I woke up with the bang and then all I heard was “sorrrry” but that was me I couldn’t get back to sleep because apparently work men can’t speak they only know how to shout. FML!! So I get up to go to my hospital appointment to get my last steroid injections and just as I leave I bump into Ivy-Rose’s “dad” so that was awkward considering we just pretend each of us don’t exist purely because I can’t cope with the stress of arguing and him acting like a child. Then I get on the bus, everything’s fine, I’m sipping my hot chocolate I treated myself to after the rough night/day I’ve had and just as the bus gets to the hospital some complete moron in a car pulls right out in front of my bus so as I am standing to get off the driver has to slam his breaks on. I swung forward and almost went flying over the seat in front but my instinct was to protect the bump so I put my hand on the hard bit of the seat in front where my bump hit, so basically my hand cushioned it lol. The driver of the car just drove away but the bus driver was brilliant and made sure everyone was ok especially me because he seen I was pregnant.

So I went to the hospital and it was my first appointment in my whole pregnancy I have attended alone. I told my aunt Cathy I would be fine as I was only going to get the steroids and Kellie slept in lol. So I seen my midwife Marion and it was my last ever appointment at that hospital so I got them a gift and I got Dr Dawn a gift too. Marion was over the moon and was almost crying lol. She noticed I looked really tired so asked if I was okay and you know me I got into a rant about the night/day from hell and the bus thing. So she said well once I do your steroids I want to try get the Dr to scan you just to make sure Ivy-Rose is ok after that bump on the bus. So she does my steroids and let me tell you the 2nd set is 1000x stingyer than the first set lol.

Then she tells me Dr Dawn is off today so it is Dr Brace that will be scanning me. Now, for those of you who have been following our journey from the beginning or read back on our journey, you may remember one doctor booked me in for a termination against my wishes as she didn’t think this baby would make it past 16 weeks and “I would be daft and unable to cope with the stress and inevitable loss of this severely deformed child”. Well Dr Brace was that doctor. She came in and was like “oh Chloe long time no see” and I was like “yea I know”. So anyways she took me to the scanning room and put the gel on and she was like wow baby is big now and I said yea shes come a long way since most doctors were ready to write her off in the beginning. Then she was like this is your placenta, when I knew fine well it wasn’t it was infact Ivy-Rose’s Exomphalos. So I said is that not her Exomphalos and she said “oh yeah you’re right I was wondering what that black circle was in the middle (Ivy-Rose’s stomach). Then she kept getting other things wrong and I had to keep correcting her so by this point I just wanted away from this woman before I wanted to throttle her! Then when we finished the scan she said “well congratulations baby looks lovely and healthy” and I said “Yeah, just shows I was right in sticking by her and not taking the other option of termination that some doctors tried to force me into” and she just looked at me. I know I shouldn’t make digs but she really annoyed me lol! So everything was fine after that Marion gave me a cuddle and said tell your aunt to phone us when she is born so we know how she is! All the staff I have been with every week at the Royal have been amazing and I really am going to miss seeing them all every Tuesday lol!

The countdown is on… 6 Days to go!!!

Chloe & Ivy-Rose

xo.

36 Week Scan…

36 Week Scan…

Hey Guys,

So as some of you have noticed and messaged me, I have been pretty quiet the past week or so, the reason is I have been staying with my aunt most days out of the week because I am getting so late on in my pregnancy, I attend the hospital more too as the end of my pregnancy looms and I have been preparing for Lil Miss Ivy-Rose to make hear arrival as realistically she can appear any day soon so I want to be as prepared as I can be.

Everything is still going to plan and Ivy-Rose is looking great on her scan, in fact she is becoming quite the chunky monkey lol. Our Dr Dawn said today that although she can’t get an accurate measurement because of her Exomphalos she is guessing she is currently between 5&6 pounds in weight, I’m so proud considering some doctors were so against me keeping her alive in the first place. She even has little rolls of fat on her legs, it is just the cutest. She was very, very active as well and she was laughing & sucking her thumb, I don’t think I can fall in love any more if I tried. Dr Dawn also said that her Exomphalos/Omphalocele is 7cm long and although it seems small to you and me on her little body it is pretty big but at least we know what roughly we are dealing with when she comes. We have got a date for my scan and it is soon but we are keeping it a secret. My aunt Tricia will be present with me when I give birth and although we know what could happen we are hoping for the very best and just want to meet our precious little miracle.

So far I would say I have coped pretty well with the hand I have been dealt with and I would do it all over again for my daughter but I think everything is starting to take it’s toll on me a little. The past couple of weeks I have been suffering from severe anxiety. I have nightmares about me losing Ivy-Rose or people stealing her from me or the hospital. They are that bad I wake up during the night breathless, crying and in a pool of sweat. It is horrible and I can never get back to sleep after them. I also panic if I don’t feel her moving for longer than an hour, because she is so active all the time if she doesn’t move within an hour or more I panic, like breathlessness, chest pains and light-headedness. I have to keep reminding myself babies sleep and shes so active at night it’s no wonder she sleeps most of the day lol. I know though that when I start to get anxiety or panic I call Tricia and she will either come, pick me up and let me stay with her for a few days or even just speak to me about how I am feeling or just speak a load of rubbish to take my mind off it depending which mood I am in. Even if I call my friend Kellie, Aunt Cathy or sister Hayley and just speak to them they put my mind at ease and make me feel okay just by speaking to them. I also got my first set of steroid injections today to help with Ivy-Rose’s lung development, I freaked when I seen the size of the needle (as you can tell I’ve been doing a lot of freaking out recently lol) then she told me it was going in just above my bum cheek (I almost passed out after previous experiences with them and needles but  it was a different lady doing it this time, thank the lord lol) but it actually wasn’t as bad as I thought, the initial needle going in was nothing then when she removed the needle is was like someone put a cigarette out on my bum cheek lol. It stung/burned for about 10 minutes then it was fine. I have to get the second dose tomorrow, lucky me! Anything for my girl.

As the end draws nearer I have gotten a lot weepier and take everything to heart (you could say boo to me and I will either rip your head off with my bare hands or burst into uncontrolable tears), I think that is also part in parcel with the fear of whats about to come. I have also been thinking about Ivy-Rose’s father a lot and not in the sense I want to be with him, but more in the sense of what he has missed out on already and she isn’t even born yet. I have given him chance after chance and still continue to give him chance after chance but unfortunately for him he just isn’t interested in his daughter. It is a shame for him really because Ivy-Rose has changed my life for the better and in more ways than one. I didn’t know you could feel a love this strong for someone you hadn’t even met yet. She makes me so proud to be her mummy every single day. She has taught me that no matter what life throws at you, you get up and you keep fighting to live another day because life is too precious to waste days, we need to live every day to the full. She has taught me that I am waaay stronger than I thought I could ever be, mentally and physically. I am proud of myself for making it this far with my little toots safely tucked up in the baby cave, I am proud for doing all of my research and mentally preparing myself for what’s to come with her health concerns and even though I have been traumatised and heartbroken by some of the things I have seen/read I do not regret my decision to keep my little girl one bit, I am proud of myself for standing up for my daughters life when most doctors were ready to write her off almost immediately, I am proud of myself for spreading awareness of Exomphalos, Omphalocele and Kyphoscoliosis (words I never knew existed until Lil Miss Ivy-Rose started residing in the baby cave), I am proud of myself for quitting smoking cold turkey and putting my daughters needs before my own but most of all I am proud for stepping up to my responsibilities and being the best mum to my daughter from the day I found out I was carrying her and I know that when she makes her recovery and I get to bring her home (praying this is the outcome) I will continue to be the best mum I can be and always put my daughter before myself or anyone else. I would never regret my daughter, she is the best thing to happen to me, I just wish I could have had her with someone who could care about someone other than themselves. As I said, it will be his loss. Not hers and definitely not mine.

My family and friends never knew this blog or the Instagram for Ivy-Rose existed up until today (I was bragging about how lovely everyone that followed our journey was). I decided not to tell them because although I open up to them about how I am feeling etc I don’t go into much detail because I don’t want the fuss. I find writing it down a lot easier. They still don’t know the name of the blog or Instagram either and have been bugging me for it all day, I think they are scared of what they might read as I am going through a lot at the moment and previous mental health when dealing with tough stuff wasn’t the best but there are things I speak about with you guys I wouldn’t go into as much detail with them with as much as I do here, like Ivy-Rose’s father or previous miscarriages etc. So I thank you all for being part of our journey and letting me have an outlet for my thoughts, feelings and rants. If you are ever to go through something similar I recommend writing a blog, it is the perfect way to destress and I have connected with so many amazing people through my blog and Instagram account. So thank you all so much, you may think you are just reading a blog weekly but you are a huge part of our support system and a huge part of our journey and each of you mean the world to us.

I may not post on here or Instagram as much in the next week or two as things are about to get a bit full on but I will be sure to keep you all updated as much as possible.

Lots of Love,

Chloe & Ivy-Rose

xo.

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